Managing grief

Recently, I came into contact with grieving families and this reminded me of the time when I was told of my mother's sudden death almost two years ago.
At that time, I was nine months pregnant and my mom was halfway across the world. Sure, my hubby and relatives tried to console me but it was still a very difficult time for me.

There I was happily planning for the arrival of my firstborn when the bubble burst with the news via email that my mother had collapsed from a suspected stroke, went into a coma and within two days, died without regaining consciousness.

It all occurred within the Christmas weekend of 2005 and my mother died on Boxing Day. Christmas will never ever be the same again. I may not be a Christian but I had always loved this particular festive season due to wonderful memories celebrating it with my mother and neighbours when I was a child.

At that time, though it is what they thought was for my own good, I was not allowed to grief properly for my mom. I was not allowed to cry because I may distress the baby. I was shielded and kept occupied so my thoughts do not wander to my mother's death. I could not attend her funeral or memorial service because in my condition, I was not allowed on any plane, much less travel all the way across the globe. I was denied the chance to say goodbye, to see her for the last time, to close a chapter in my life, so to speak.

Now, it is coming to the second year since my mom departed this world and I still missed her. Recently some relatives over there contacted me about taking back my mom's earthly belongings which was stored by one of her well-meaning friends. Again, the grief and regrets started swelling within me.

It was like a floodgate was opened and all the feelings come pouring in endlessly. I could not help feeling depressed and missing her more than ever. I felt like bursting into tears over her death and actually grief for her. But I did not. I kept the tears in just like two years ago, fearing people would not understand my need for this time to finally really let go, to finally accept the fact that she is gone for good.

Often enough when my son does something funny or cute, I instinctively stored it in my memory bank so that I could tell my mom about it. Too late, I realised mom is no longer there. She is no longer a phone call away. I can no longer shoot an email to her with picture attachments. In fact, she never did get the chance to meet my son, her first grandchild. That was my biggest regret, my mom never got to see her first grandchild before she left. I have so many questions to ask her, so many things to say to her still but now it is too late.

Many have told me to move on and be glad that she did not suffer at all. I have moved on and life is in fact quite wonderful now but still, the empty void and pain of loss remains. I felt as if I have lost something vital. Perhaps time will one day lessen the pain and fill the void but till then, I will probably continue to miss her, my mom, the woman who loved us unconditionally, loved to read and most of all, loved animals.